Prevent Regret

Prevent Regret

John Ortberg

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We need to ask ourselves what we are doing (or not doing) with our lives now that could lead to deep regret. Life always plays in a foward direction; it never goes backward. Once a move is made, there is no going back.

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I know of few more dramatic example of regret than the life of the great Scottish essayist and historian Thomas Carlyle. He wrote eloquently about the illusion of being Master of the Board: "Many men eat finer cookery, drink dearer liquors, but in the heart of them, what increase of blessedness is there? Are they better, more beautiful, stronger, braver? Are they even what they call 'happier'? Do they look with satisifaction on more things and humann faces in this God's Earth; do more things and human faces look with satisfaction on them? Not so."

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To know this truth in our heads does not guarantee that we will live it. A few years before he wrote these words, Carlyle had married his secretary, Jane Welsh. She was highly intelligent and attractive, and she continued to serve as Carlyle's secretary after their marriage.

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Some time after their marriage, Jane became ill. Carlyle, who was perhaps not much tempted by money, was deeply devoted to his work. He did not seem to notice his wife's ill health much. He was absorbed in what he was doing and allowed her to continue working. But she had cancer; eventually she was confined to her bed. Although Carlyle truly loved her, he found that he did not have much time to stay with her or much attention to give her.

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After several years of this, Jane died. The day of her funeral was stormy; they carried her body to the churchyard for burial though the rain and mud. Carlyle later returned to a house that was suddenly, shatteringly empty. He went upstairs to Jane's room and sat in the chair next to her bed, the chair he had so little time for. He noticed her diary lying on the table next to her bed. He picked it up and began to read. On one entire page she had written a single line: "Yesterday he spent an hour with me and it was like heaven; I love him so."

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A reality that he had somehow been too blind to see now revealed itself with crushing clarity. He had been too busy to notice how much he meant to Jane. He thought of all the times he had been preoccupied with his work and simply failed to notice her. He had not seen her suffering. He had not seen her love.

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Thomas turned the page of Jane's diary. He read the words that would break his heart, that he could never forget: "I have listened all day to hear his steps in the hall, but not it is late and I guess he won't come today."

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He read a little more in her book and then put it back on the table and ran out of the house. Friends finally found him back at the churchyard kneeling in the earth at the side of her grave, covered with mud. His eyes were red from weeping; tears were rolling down his face. "If only I had know, if only I had known," he cried.

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After Jane's death, Carlyle made little attempt to write again. The historian lived another fifteen years but said he lived them "weary, bored, and a partial recluse."

"When the Game is Over - It All Goes Back In the Box" by John Ortberg, pages 97-98, Zondervan.com; ISBN 0-310-25350-0